Lately I have been reflecting on the nature of friendship. What makes it real, what makes it lasting, and what makes it feel more like a transaction than a bond?
There are times when I find myself advocating for a friend or defending them in rooms they are not in. I think about them, hold their name with care, and make sure their side is heard even when they have no idea I am doing it. To me, that is what friendship means: carrying someone in thought and in action, even when they are absent.
But sometimes I notice the silence on their side. The lack of effort. The absence of the same energy. It makes me wonder if perhaps I was seeing us as closer than we really were.
There is a difference between friendship that grows out of genuine care and friendship that only stands when it is convenient or when there is something to be gained. One is unconditional. The other is conditional. One is mutual. The other is transactional.
I know myself well enough to say that I will always default to being a good friend. That is who I am at my core. But I have also learned to adjust the energy I give when it becomes clear the balance is uneven. It is not about withholding kindness but about protecting my own capacity to show up where it truly matters. I also know that I am the kind of friend that will go out of my way to help you if it does not entail me compromising my beliefs or to be unfair to others. Your friendship should not require me to change my ability to think for myself.
I value the friendships that may not be perfect, but have always been true. The ones where we have stumbled, misunderstood each other, or even fallen short, yet the care was never in question. The ones where we will call each other on our shit or tell each other how our actions may have hurt them-- we give each other a chance to mend what we have. The ones that give each other the benefit of a doubt when it seems like they slighted you. Ones that allowed you to speak your truth when it mattered. The ones where you feel supported in ways that words sometimes cannot fully capture. For those bonds, I will always be grateful.
And the friends that actively choose to spend time with you, the ones that go out of their way to catch up with you or meet even for a quick coffee. These are the ones worth investing more love and time into. They are the friendships that, even after years apart, feel as if no time has passed at all. The ones that choose to understand deeply even when it is difficult. Those are the ones that remind me why friendship matters.
Maybe the lesson here is simple. Show up for the people who show up for you. Love deeply, defend proudly, and give generously, but do not cling to bonds that feel one-sided. Friendship should feel like a safe place, not a contract with hidden terms and conditions.
